If you give a mouse a cookie, do you know what will happen?

May 22, 2013

Does anyone remember the children’s story, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie?
Well, if not, here’s the jist of it…. If you give a mouse a cookie, he’ll ask for a glass of milk. If you give him the glass of milk, he’ll ask you for a straw. Before you know it, you’re tearing the house apart just to please this stupid mouse, even though you started the kind gesture in the first place.

I was thinking about that story the other day because sometimes I feel like that. I start of with something, receiving a free cookie I never asked for, and before I know it, some atomic bomb has gone off, tearing the house apart. I take advantage of something and it just blows up in my face.

Well, that has happened with social media, for example Facebook. I never used it that much before I came here. Yes, I would get on as a distraction to homework, but I have never been the person to have an hourly update of my life. Why? Because no one cares. I post pictures because people can look at pictures quickly and move on. Nothing is super exciting about my life that people would be interested in reading hourly updates of what I ate today or how I was standing in line for twenty minutes.

That’s why I never started a blog until I came here. I don’t have that interesting of a life and I’m not hilarious, so why would people find what I have to say interesting. I was convinced though that it was a good way to express myself. So I started one. I did it for myself, not for anyone else, even though I knew I would have an audience. But I should have known that something would go wrong.

I am not very good with my words. Never have been. I thought that if I wrote down my thoughts that they would make sense. However, they have just added to confusion.

I have never meant to hurt anyone with these blogs. I can see now that I can never use my words well enough to get my point across without that being the case. I only wanted to be honest and real. I’m so tired of hiding who I am, afraid of what people think. I’m a people pleaser. I know it, but I’m trying to change. People may think that I have a perfect life and I have it all together. But that’s not the case. Some days I go to bed hating myself for something I said or did that day.  I am not perfect. I only wanted people to see that, but in the end I just made it worse for the people around me.

I have taken the power for freedom of speech and have abused it. Until I can figure out how to correctly use it, this will be my last blog. Thank you to those who have enjoyed my blogs, and I’m deeply sorry to those I have hurt. 

Blue Eyes

May 7, 2013

I have blue eyes...but that's not a surprise to anyone.

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and something catches you off guard? Sometimes I'm amazed at my eyes. One day they'll be bright blue, the next day a stormy grey, and some days in between my iris is a majority of my eye.

But we all have things that we think are our best features. For me it's my eyes. I've always loved having blue eyes because it's special in my family. My mom fell in love with my dad because of his big blue eyes (along with his witty humor and charming good looks). When my eyes are greyish, my mom says that I look like my great aunt Helen, whom I get my middle name from. And my older brother also has blue eyes. Now, my older brother and I don't always see eye to eye (no pun intended). In fact, I think part of his life he hated me, but I admit I was that little cry baby sister who always tried to pass on the blame; so I don't hold it against him. Besides that, I have always looked up to my older brother. My room is right next to his room so I can hear when his bed creak. In high school I could hear when he got up, and I used him as my second alarm clock. Also, when he left for college, I cried several nights while going to sleep because I missed having him next door. Well...that was a tangent, back to my point.

They say that eyes are the portal to the soul, or is it window? Whichever works I guess. So I wonder what people see when they look into my eyes. I like to think that my eyes portray a tempest upon the sea (I love that word, tempest...) but probably not because the only unsettled things about me are my emotions (and food cravings). So maybe they see a calm still water. That would be cool. I like water and I think I'm a pretty calming person. Or even better, a cool, clear rippling stream down a mountain. Streams are always personified as giddy, joyful, pure, and ever changing. Alright, that's not bad either.

Hmm, what else, it could be a blue cloudless sky. Hawks are my favorite animals because I envy their freedom to sore and explore. They are weightless creature with the power to take down their prey. They are majestic, yet powerful. Dangerous, yet serene. The open sky is their terrain. So a blue sky isn't bad, but clouds add ten times more fun when looking at the sky. I can sit and watch the clouds go by for hours on end. And trust me, my imagination can find some pretty crazy shapes. Plus when you're flying and you get above the cloud level, the world changes to a marshmallow playground where you can imagine unicorns prancing around and angles skiing down the hills. The clouds look so thick that you could take a nap out there just on a pile of fluff (oh the bliss).

Ok, so I’ve gone on enough tangents and have run out of other blue things to compare. I may never know what people think when they look into my eyes, but there is a sea of possibilities. The sky is unlimited. My only hope is that if my eyes really are windows to my soul that they may never become tinted so that my true self is disguised. May who I am be distinguishable through my eyes but mainly carried out through my actions.

That’s all I’ve got for now.

Enjoy the world and it’s wondrous beauties.

And think about this: if who you really are is shown in you’re eyes, what would others see?

Humor me and imagine this with me.

April 30, 2013

Vorstellen. This is probably one of my favorite words in German. Why? Because it means to introduce yourself to someone and also to imagine. Imagination is a crazy ability. As children we are all gifted with it, but for some as we get older that capability becomes smaller and smaller. For me, I have been blessed with a groß Vorstellung.

Growing up I occasionally wished that I had an older sister to help me with my fashion sense, or to get cool hand-me downs. But in the end, I’m glad that I was the only girl. I could entertain myself for hours and days on end. Just my imagination and me. My imagination took all sorts of forms. I could spend hours playing house or school with my little brother. Occasionally I would let him join in my story with Barbie and Ken. He would bring his GI Joes, but that arrangement would only last a few hours as he would not play along “correctly” with the story.

See here’s how my imagination works (a little glimpse into the vast expanse I call a brain)… I would come up with a story, usually one that focused on a girl who surprisingly looked like me. Then I would spend my days playing with some sort of medium to carry out that story, whether it was with my dolls, dress-up clothes, or gel pens. And that story would continue to evolve in my every waking moment. I would daydream about this story, think about it when I was taking a shower, all the way to thinking about it before I fell asleep. With the amount of time and details that I would put into each story, I wish some could be turned into movies or books. Even when I did chores around the house, I would come up with a story. Some times I would be a modern Cinderella. Other times I would be the owner of a hotel.

However, this ability to imagine myself in a different life or situation didn’t die as I got older. I did see it start to change though. No longer could a story of Ken and Barbie entertain me for days on end. Instead I was imagining what life would look like if I lived in an exotic place…say Germany for example. However, I would imagine all of these elaborate stories and although most I knew never would come true, some of my stories were things that I wish would happen. Like how I wished someone would ask me to prom, or how I wanted a situation to work out with a friend. However, when life didn’t go as I imagined it, it was disappointing. I know that I should have known better, but my idyllic, fantasy mindset on life would overrule my rational thinking.

I know that because of my imagination I sometimes have an unrealistic view of life. I believe in the ideal and life doesn’t work like that. Even when I listen to certain songs, a little bit of me believes that my life could be like that.

Before I came to Germany, I made sure not to imagine anything about it, because I knew that I would be disappointed when what I imagined didn’t come true. Unlike Mountain Lake, I knew that I couldn’t go with an intention of falling in love with a prince or the equivalent. However, my experience here has been even better than what I could have imagined. Since I’ve been here, I have let my imagination run wild in some situations, especially since I had all day at my internship staring at a computer. What I have imagined has not come true, like usual, but what has come to be has been amazing. It’s not what I would have imagined for myself, but it has been an experience that was well worth living. 

Home...

April 9, 2013

Well hello there. It's been awhile since I've posted a blog. I've written a couple but haven't gotten around to posting them. They are now outdated with thoughts so they may never get posted. Instead this post is about home (and warning, it's a little sappy).

I've been in Germany for...I guess 3 months now. And living here started feeling like home about 3 weeks into my stay. As the halfway mark approaches it's amazing to think about all that has happened in 3 months time. I've been to four different countries, met friends from all over the world, ate some great food, and drank one too many beers.  Although most of my thoughts are distracted by how to order a Döner in German or what the right preposition is in the sentence, my thoughts occasionally turn to home.

I miss the hustle of being home with the constant cooking and everyone on different agendas. I miss cuddling on the couch with my dog as my parents fall asleep to BBC at 11:30 pm. I miss the opportunity to go next door to my friends and just sit on their beds while catching up on life. I miss having a “homework” party where more time is spent talking of the future then on the present. Or doing stupid, crazy shenanigans with my swim team family (which usually includes consuming tons of food).

I have met amazing people here in Germany, but none can compare to the solid foundation that I have back home. The people that have helped me become who I am and the friends who have stood by me while I was an awkward teenager to now as a…less awkward adult. It is my family, especially my parents and grandparent, that I can always count on no matter what. They are my backbone and I would not have been able to survive this long without them if it wasn’t for all of the love they sent with me. I know that wherever I go in this big, wide world there are people who are cheering me on no mater what, and, that my friends, is what life is all about. I couldn’t have done it without you guys, and can’t begin to thank you enough. Forever my love goes to you all!

From the words of the Downton Abby, “If you are homesick, there is no shame in it.  It means that you’ve come from a happy home. There are plenty of people here who would envy that!”

Können Sie mich verstehen?

Words. Yes words. They are an amazing concept. I’ve never been good with words, especially spoken, but I’ve learned to appreciate them more over the years. I’m not a quick thinker, so with written word I can at least develop my thoughts completely. I love to write notes because I know that at least a little bit of my emotions will come through, rather than me just spewing words that have no meaning. But, have you ever thought about words? Really sat back and divulged the meaning behind them? …Yeah, me neither, but it has crossed my mind a couple of times. And now that my world is consumed with learning new words and the importance of it, I decided that today my thoughts would be focused around them.

It’s amazing because our whole world and culture is composed by words. Words are how we communicate efficiently and express feelings. With one word, you can change the whole meaning of a statement from a compliment to a dis or a statement to a question. A misplaced word can turn a friend into an enemy. Why?

Ich weiß, dass nur ein oder zwei von euch werden das alles verstehen (es tut mir leid für mein schlecht Deutsch). Ich weiß auch, dass nur ein oder zwei wollen ein oder zwei Worte verstehen. Und alle anderen wollen nicht verstehen. Warum?

Because words rule our lives. They are imaginary constructs that we have assigned meaning to. I did not realize how much of a construct it was until I started learning another language. For example, I find a word in German that I don’t understand. I look it up in a translator…there are 10 different words in English that this one word means. Ahh… so much confusion! Why are there so many words, that all mean the same thing, but in different contexts? It makes learning a new language hard. I can understand several basic questions in German: what’s my name, where do I live, where do I come from, etc. However, some Germans like to throw me for a loop and ask the same question, but in a different way. What? Why can’t you be nice and say it the way I’ve rehearsed in my head? Well, I guess that would be just too easy.

Also, another weird thing is that there are people here who have and never will learn English. To them, their thoughts are like how my thoughts are, fluent, concise, but in German. I meet people through my internship and usually I don’t say anything to them and yet, I wonder if they know that my thoughts are not in German, like they are for them. I wonder how many of them think that I’m just another German student trying to find a job. If it wasn’t for this language barrier, I feel like I would fit right in.

Ahh, the language barrier. It’s the one thing that has been the hardest for me. Because of it, I still feel like an outsider. It is because I struggle to communicate, I still don’t feel like I’m at home. I took advantage of the fact that when I go to the grocery store at home I don’t have to pretend to know what everything is or that I understand the conversations around me. Maybe one day all this pretending will pay off and I will actually understand.

Bis dann, tschüss! 

You know you want to be a BAIB*…

Today’s Tangent: Independent women.

As you know I walk to work everyday. It took me a couple of days to figure it out, but on my way I pass the job center office in Mannheim. Every morning before 8 a.m. about 20-30 people gather around the doors to wait for it to be open and to begin applying. At first I felt bad because here I was working for a company that wasn’t even in my homeland. However, I’m not getting paid for my work, so I don’t feel too bad. But then, after awhile, fear started to nag at me. Here I am, about to graduate in a year and do I have any idea what I want to do? No, NONE at all! I don’t even have an inkling of an idea. What happens if I graduate and I can’t find a single job? I know that there are thousands of other students in the same position I am. And even though I’m a well-rounded student, with lots of experience, who knows if my double major and minor I’m trying to pull off helps me land a job. Everyone around me (my parents, grandparents, professors) have confidence that I will be successful somewhere, so why can’t I? Who knows where I will be in a year…I may be going to graduate school (eww gross), working at a job, or be halfway around the world doing something cool in Germany!

This leads me to something else. Growing up, all I ever wanted to be when I was little was a stay-at-home mom. I mean, who wants to work? Besides, work is a man’s job (or so I thought). But now that I’ve grown up, have worked hard for my education, and have experienced a little of what the work place is like, I’ve realized how important it is for women in the work place. (Yes Megan and Katy, I’m going on a little bit of a women’s rights rant, so I’ll dedicate this to you!) I’ve noticed here that it is mainly a man’s world still. Of all the meetings I’ve attended through my internship, the men to women ratios are from 2:1 to 6:1. Some of them, I’m the only female present and it’s not even my job. I know that I’m still young and have a lot to learn, but to one day have the knowledge and authority to control a meeting, well that would just be awesome. Plus, a friend made me think about it one day. She said that she felt I was throwing my education and future away by just plan on becoming a mom. She’s right, I haven’t worked for nothing and I want others to know it. Don’t get me wrong, I know that being a full time mother is a hard job (trust me mom, I know) and one day I want that to be my job. But, heck, I’m only 21 years old and I have 10+ years before I have to start thinking about that. Plus, who knows, I may never find my knight-in-shining armor. So, instead of wishing for something I don’t have, I’m going to take advantage of what I can do!

Also, I’ve been independent of 21 years now. Yes, sometimes it would be nice to have the security of a relationship. But who am I kidding, I’ve seen the heartbreak and hassle that a relationship is when it’s not meant to be, and boy am I glad that all I have to worry about it myself. I’ve worried that guys don’t like independent women, since they don’t seem to need a guy. But you know what, if they can’t handle me at my best, why should they handle me at my worse. I’m a lot to handle, sometimes I can’t even deal with myself, but I know that if someone can put up with my wild and crazy ideas, then they’re a keeper. I just need to be myself, because no one can be better at being me (does that make sense?) …well, until then I’m going to keep going strong and maintaining a BAIB* attitude.

*BAIB- acronym for Bad-Ass Independent Bitches…coined by Amibeth and Audrey in 2011 (don’t judge, you know you wish you where as cool as us…) 

Don't fight the storms...

So I tried to get this across in my last post, but as usual I didn’t use my words very well. It’s something that I struggle with, expressing what I’m thinking/feeling in words (that’s why I love pictures). Anyway, another thing that should be said is that this blog isn’t going to be a documentation of my day here in Germany…that’s what I keep my journal for. Instead, this is going to be a documentation of my thoughts and tangents that go on in my head.

The nice thing about living here is the public transportation and accessibility of the cities. In a typical day I walk a half hour to and from work, and then if I go to visit people in Heidelberg then I have a 20 minute walk to the train station, a 30 minute ride to Heidelberg, and then a 10-15 minute tram ride to wherever I am going…and I have to do that again to get home. That being said, I have a lot of time to myself…to think, ponder, and go on tangents.

The other day on my way home from work I was thinking about how it was not impossible to be happy here. How could you be upset walking home to something like this? …

…Pretty awesome, right? It’s just such an awesome culture here. Surrounded by so much history and yet new developments everyday. It’s also easier to enjoy the small things here. It may just be because I’m not used to it but how could you not enjoy just walking down the streets taking in everything. As I walk I survey the buildings, advertisements plastered in obscure places, people on their way to work or school, and listen to the many sounds of the street.

Another tangent…my internship. So it’s been great so far! I have a great boss; he scared me at first and I thought he thought I was dumb, but it’s gotten better now that I can communicate a little bit better. But basically for him I have to write a report about a project he has been working on since 2001…all in German. Yeah, so I can barely have a conversation in German, I can read all right in it, but to write a report…good luck me. So I started my report and about a week later I have about 2 solid pages double-spaced. So I show it to him… and this is what I get back.

 Covered in RED!!! But you know what he said…not too bad. Yeah, it’s nice to get back a paper smeared in red and still be told not a bad job. One of the pluses of a language barrier!

Another thing at work. Today my boss to another intern and me to see some of what we are researching. So we went to a nature conservation and he pointed out some really cool things! There were two different types of really small plants that he said was unique to the Mannheim area. I was really tempted to steal some and send them back to Zettler, but my conscience got the better of me. He also showed us a rabbit’s burrow and a wasp hive. It was also so unique and I loved it. The whole hill was mainly sand, which felt out of place since it was forested area and not a beach. Also the weather was not beach weather at the least! It wasn’t too bad temperature wise. A little cold and a little chilly, but it’s been worse. However, the sky started getting darker and we could just see a storm coming in. We made it back to the car just as it started poring down. And it didn’t come slowly like it does sometimes with a precursor drizzle…nope just a downpour. It was at that point that I was glad I wasn’t driving. Then about five minutes later the rain gets harder and is clumping together…and you guessed it, it was snowing! It was the craziest thing ever. Rain and then snow all within a few minutes! The storm only lasted about 20 minute total, but it was a great storm. I know that not everyone loves storms, but I find them fascinating. I guess I like anything to do with water…swimming, oceans, lakes, rivers, swimming, boating, showers, bubble baths, swimming, snow, rain…anyway you get the idea.  So, because of the storm it made me think of how storms are used metaphorically to describe life. It’s such a great image. Sometimes life is going great and you have no cares in the world. Then either suddenly or slowly things start to go downhill. However, it’s how you face those storms. You can be afraid of what is to come and attempt to hide from it. Or you can embrace it and know that like all storms, it too will have an end. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself; accept your fate. Don’t run, don’t hide. Accept that crappy things in life happen and the only thing you can do is make the most everything. Turn something negative into something positive…learn to dance in the rain! 

Let's Start at the Very Beginning...

Feb. 3, 2013

As most people know, I’m a very reserved person. I don’t share my feelings very easily with others, but if I do, it means that I trust you. I usually don’t share personal things because 1. I don’t think they are that interesting or 2. I think that that no one is interested in hearing them. But as most of you may also know, if someone tells me that I should do something, I usually do it. So yes, I am starting this blog not because it was originally my idea, but because I got badgered into doing it. (Thank you Meagan Donahue!) That being said, I’m going to attempt to open up here and share raw emotion. So if it bores you, don’t read it. If it angers you, don’t read it. Or if you think it’s stupid, don’t read it. Also, if my writing style is weird, don’t judge…this is how I think. 

I’m not going to write this to entertain (although it might), but I’m going to write this as a documentation of my thoughts while in Germany. Don’t expect a daily update, but I’ll do my best to update it weekly. 

That is all for tonight. I will have to get caught up on my documentation of my month so far here in Germany.